maybe I wasn't back?
Oh well, I am now. I have been through a few things since we talked....
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I am having major issues with my Dad. Serious ASS issues with my dad.
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I might be going to New York City this weekend with my brother.
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I went to two concerts this weekend.. Authority Zero (punk! and lots of fun!!!) and Trapt (rock, and pretty fun) and crowd surfed, met some cool people, dragged two people there who didn't want to be and had a bad time, and I got groped with crowd surfing while my friend was pretty much felt up by a random stranger....

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I got accepted to Mary Baldwin. I still dont know what I want. I have 9k in scholarships from them... and they said I am eligible for about 11k more... but that still leaves 4k a year to be in school.. not including the personal expense of living.......
Thoughts run rampant.
Poo and I are going to runaway. We are going on a roadtrip this summer and it's going to be a blast. I am totally psyched and it's almost all I can think about. I have so much to do and wrap up before June.
This weekend New York. I have essays for VWIL and Bailey Honor Scholars to finish. I have to visit both CGA and MBU. My 17th birthday is in a week. I'm going snowboarding. I'm moving up to Maine with my Aunt for a month or so. and then the Road Trip.....
So much to think about.

And I'm back.
From outerspace.
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face.
I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key.
If I had thought for just one second you'd be back to bother me!
Oh now go! Walk out the door!
Just turn around now.
'Cause you're not welcome anymore...
weren't you the one that tried to burn me with desire?
Did you think I'd crumble?
Did you think I'd lay down and die?
Oh well I! I will survive!
As long as I know how to love I know I'll be alive.
I've got all my life to live and I've got all my love to give.
I will survive.
I will survive.
Hey hey!

PS- I am working on the graphics.. I need to figure out whats going on with that...

My computer has been a pain in the ass for a long time now, and I'm sure it's just as ready to be put out of it's misery as I am ready to put it out of it's misery... and rather violently at that. On the 2 of Jan. I wasn't able to write at all because the computer wasn't even starting up, and yesterday there just happened to be an short break from the chaos this computer has become that allowed me to make a breif post.
Anyway, my computer is either being fixed or replaced today while I am at the movies. (LOTR II yeah baby! ...for the second time, heheh) So I may or may not be able to get online tonight, or for a while for that matter. But I will make all attempts possible.
Until then...
You'll miss me while I'm gone,

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I think I might have a slight form of manic depression. My highs are high, but man, my lows are low. Earth shattering, bone chilling, deathly, isolated from the world and numbed by it, low. These past few days have been extremely rough on me.
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I haven't gotten much sleep and when I do it's all weird dreaming. I had three dreams last night. Usually I don't have dreams, that I recollect anyway. I think I remember these ones because I am sleeping so lightly. I dont get to sleep until after midnight, but I am tired all day.
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I'm in a slump all day. It's for me to do anything. I feel disgusted with how little I do, but I seem helpless to do anything about it. I constantly feel like I am on the verge of tears. I think I need 2 things to get me out of this funk.
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.1: Closure; a response from the colleges I applied to so that I feel like I have a sense of direction and so I am not in limbo anticipating what I can be doing with my life. Then I can start finding a job again, make summer plans, head up to my aunts, focus on classes having the knowledge of which ones would behoove me most in application to where I am going.
.2: Vacation; Dear god spare me from this purgatory which is daily life. Spare me of my parents, my house, my little everyone knows everyone town. Bless me with the sight of new surroundings, the smell of independence and free me of the feel of shackles, chains and apron strings!

Which Element Represents You?

The Last Day of the Year
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I have found myself looking back over this year. What can I say about it? Life has tossed me some interesting cards. I have done a lot of trying, intiating and overcoming. I have not let inhibition or hesisitation grab hold of me and let opportunities pass. I have come to grips with many new realities.
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I have found a really interesting site. If you are interested in open-mindedly meditating online Buddha Mind is an excellent place. I actually found it relaxing. I think I will make more of an effort to meditate this year. Set aside time for it daily. Maybe even set up a make-shift shrine in my room; a couple candles, a plant or two, and an incense stick.
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I didn't run this morning. I woke up late. I put off my homework until tomorrow. I feel too serious.
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I am going to a friends to pick up a formal gown for the New Years party tonight. It is supposed to be really formal. Evening gowns and tuxedo's. I'm excited about getting dressed up. I hardly ever get dressed up for a real event. Every once in a while I'll dress up for no reason and do housework. For some reason when I dedicate my day to cleaning I like to get dressed up. Especially when I clean and re-arrange my room.

I needed to start over. I needed to disappear and start again as a totally new individual; a stranger. I needed a blog where no one knew who I was, but one where I could be identifiable. I needed to put aside the material and focus on the mental. I needed this outlet to begin my new year and life. Not so much to begin, but to help aid the beginning. Here I go.
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I will not care what other people think, whether this makes sense or whether people will want to read it.
I will not try to appeal to other standards than my own.
I will not focus on details. I will focus on the landscape.
I will not be impatient.
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I will take my time, and take advantage of my youth.
I will accept my short comings, mistakes, and weaknesses.
I will continue to be an individual.
I will speak and listen to my inner self.
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I should to get a job.
I should finish my applications to college.
I should start running and exercising again.
I should read more.
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Composed of these things; I am who I am; an individual, Tasha.